My Biggest Fear

Published July 26, 2012 by goingalongwithit

This may sound silly, but it’s not until today that I’ve truly realized how short life really is. Obviously I’ve heard  the saying “life is too short” before, I think everyone has. I’ve just been thinking today about my future, and about my past too. The main issue, is how fast time goes. I can’t comprehend where the last 2 years have gone. But not just that, everything goes so quick that I don’t quite understand when we get a chance to truly enjoy something, to relish every single minute of it. This year, I finished college (UK college for my overseas followers) and although I may or may not have to stay for another year, some time within the next 2 years I will be going to University. That, I know from what almost every graduate I know, is over in a flash. And then, I get a job (hopefully the jobs market will be a lot better by such a time). I either stay in my current relationship or I meet someone new, we get married (not necessarily but maybe), we have children, we raise the children and we go through life doing that. And then our children grow up, they leave, they follow the same or similar paths as we did. We live out the rest of our working lives and then we retire and grow old. Then we die.

Many people live to be 80+, but still when you think about it, and you really break it down it isn’t that long and I imagine that if I do make it to that age, I’ll sit there and think back to the day I wrote this blog (if I am in a fit state to do so, regarding mental health or general health) and I know it’ll only seem like 2 minutes ago. Next year I’ll be 20, let’s say I live until I’m 80. That means I’ve already lived a quarter of my life and I’ve barely done anything at all. I’ve had a happy life, yes, I wont dispute that. But I’ve not really achieved anything, because I’ve not really started living yet. I haven’t became the person I am supposed to be yet. 

Recently I’ve developed this moronic fear of getting old, not dying, just the getting old part. I really don’t know why. This is something that has never really bothered me before. But perhaps that may be because I have never really sat and thought about it in as great detail as I have lately. I just imagine myself mentally as I am now trapped inside an old, weary and frail body and quite frankly, that scares the shit out of me! I hate any idea of being locked in somewhere without the ability to get out. I know in this situation I wouldn’t be physically locked inside anywhere but I fear that this is exactly how I will feel. 

I’m also worried about wasting time on things in life. People, places and the past. I realize I am young but already I know how hard it is to move on from things that have hurt you and to look forward, you can’t live in the past because if you do, you sacrifice your future. But sometimes I just can’t help it. I’m worried that I will take a risk with someone or something just for it all to fall apart and for me to have to start again. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had breakups, some bad ones, some ‘good’ ones – however good a breakup can really be. I have had friendship breakups too, this is what has affected me the most. Maybe I’ll post about it one time, but not right now, that wound is too raw right now. And on that note, I have to end this post before I upset myself. 

promise that my next post will be upbeat and happy. I am not a depressing person, trust me.

 

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11 comments on “My Biggest Fear

  • Don’t worry. The first 20 years you’re not supposed to achieve anything. It’s just the beginning, the testing, formative part of life. I remember when I was there. So much emotion and drama and uncertainty. Now I’m old (but not frail yet) and have become more comfortable with myself and, yes, with more wisdom. At this age, I have to work harder to keep my body in shape (I only wish I’d taken better care of this body when I was young) so that I can travel and do all the things I still want to do. But other than the body part and the fact that the years ahead of me are shortened, I wouldn’t go back to being young for anything. Just remember, you have so much ahead of you, so much to look forward to. Make the most of it.

  • I am 31. I can’t even believe it. But my life is exactly what I wanted. I am learning a new language, I moved to Canada for awhile. I don’t have roots, but that’s absolutely fine. I don’t mind getting older that much because I live life on my terms and just do what I want. I don’t care that I don’t have a house or a lawn to water.
    The passage of time is a scary thing for sure. My dog is 6 and it makes me sad because it seems like yesterday, we brought him home. I have to really think about whether I want kids or not – that sucks. I don’t have much time to decide on that.
    Live your life the way you want. If you don’t want to follow the pattern of get job, get married, have children, get old and die, don’t do it. My advice is, when you do get a job, don’t be absorbed into that job.

    • Thanks for the advice. I’ve not really decided which path I’m gonna take just yet so maybe I won’t go down the route of job, marriage, kids, get old and die. Only time will tell I suppose!

      Thanks for dropping by 🙂

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