love

All posts tagged love

What To Do When You’re Too Scared To Live

Published September 17, 2013 by goingalongwithit

Now, the title of this blog may be misleading to some people ..  I’m not literally too scared to live, its more of a metaphorical title. What I do mean is that lately I’ve found out a couple of things about the people around me and I must say I’m more than shocked, but would never pass judgement on these things (not to the person involved anyway) as you never know what’s going to happen to you in your own life, and they do say what goes around comes around! Most of the things I’ve been told about one particular person involve cheating on their partner, and at one stage even on their wife! I must stress however that the couple are no longer together and are trying to go through divorce proceedings for personal reasons. But this is a person that I was once (after the marriage breakdown) involved with for a while but before things got serious I broke it off as it wasn’t what I wanted at the time. A little later I began to think that I had made a mistake and that this person was the one I wanted to be with … How very wrong I was. Long story short, a couple of weeks later this bloke told me he had a new girlfriend, which I was absolutely fine with (honestly!!!) and that he was bringing her to an ‘event’ that we were both going to as we had friends in common, you could say, which I was also fine with (I promise I’m not lying). But since then a few people close to the person – off their own backs, not through me going looking for information, seriously this time – have told me a couple of things about him. And about his life when he was with his now estranged wife both before and after the marriage. These things led me to where I am now which is in the belief that I have dodged a majorly huge bloke sized bullet with that one. But there was just one thing I couldn’t get off my mind …

If a bloke that could fool me into thinking that he was one of the most lovely people I had ever met and someone that I saw myself being with for a long time could do these things, and could do these things in the past while being married and also while being engaged before that, then is there any possible hope that there is anyone out there that you can absolutely 100% trust with every inch of yourself? This could be the paranoia in me but how do we know that they aren’t thinking about other people, even messaging them .. Or god forbid having an affair with them!? You can just never know, and sometimes it’s actually those who you would least expect to behave in such a way that do it. Believe me I never would have thought in a million years that the man I’m talking about would do this to anyone, let alone while he was married to his poor wife (who I must also add, I have never met and do not know from Adam so whether or not her behavior had anything to do with his antics I do not know). I’m not saying that I don’t trust anyone at all, because I do. But how am I supposed to completely trust someone that I want to be romantically involved with? There is no possible way of knowing for sure that they have never or will never do anything like this to you. Of course this is the risk you take when you enter into a relationship, but it’s just a bullshit thing that you have to put your heart on the line by doing it. But I suppose that’s the whole point isn’t it? There will never be love without pain, risk, hurt or problems. I just hope that when I find the real thing, he is worth all of that.

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My Life As It Stands

Published September 3, 2012 by goingalongwithit

The last few days has clarified a few things for me. Nothing special has really happened, I suppose I’ve just had a bit of time to think and my eyes have been opened to some stuff. I’ve had a great weekend. I went to a charity fun day with the family yesterday and have just generally spent it with great friends and the best family I could ask for. My youngest neice turned 1 on September 1st, she is amazing, as are all my nieces and nephews!

So anyway, about my clarification … 

I’ve been with my current partner for around 16 months, and I am very happy with him. But I was under the impression that I wasn’t totally over my last ex. I have now realized, that actually, I’m as over him as I probably ever will be, and that’s ok. Sometimes you don’t totally get over things, and your feelings never really change. Maybe I’ll always have some kind of feelings for him, but that doesn’t mean I am in the least bit tempted to go back nor am I resentful of the break up. If we were still together I would be unhappy right now, I know that. I’m glad I’ve had the chance to see how life can be different in a different kind of relationship. In my old one there wasn’t much respect on his part, I know he loved me but sometimes that isn’t enough. The last year or so has enabled me to see that relationships like that are not right, nor will they ever get better. I am a strong believer in the notion that people can change, but I also believe that when certain people come together it creates a toxic situation, and that it would never be healthy for those two people to be together for any amount of time. My ex and I were one of those couples. Thankfully I didn’t stick around long enough to really allow anything too bad to happen. But I just know, you know? So anyway, I found out at the weekend that my ex is now in a new relationship. I genuinely thought that this would upset me, but I can wholeheartedly say that I wish him the best of luck. I don’t like him, and I don’t think I will like him again, but at one time I loved him, and I really did like the person that he used to be and so if he can find happiness then I think that’s a great thing. I would never begrudge anyone happiness. Obviously, there was that little pang you get when you find out that your ex is with someone new, but I expected that. I also expected myself to get a little bit emotional, an old door closing and all that … but I didn’t. I can’t explain how proud of myself I am for this. I don’t know what anyone reading this will think but I believe that the fact I didn’t get upset or emotional over this news is that I am happy in my current situation, I am content. And because I am happy, I have let go of the past and finally moved on. I hope so. This feels like a happy place. 

I also realized that I have found an amazing person, someone who loves me and only me, wants to be around me and only me, and more importantly someone who respects me just as much as I respect him. I really am happy. I’m that happy I’m becoming a little paranoid and wary about it, I’m expecting at any moment something bad to happen, something to go wrong. It all just seems too good to be true. I mean, I was even apprehensive about writing this post and opening up about it because I thought that once I had opened my mouth or typed it out and said that I’m happy I would somehow jinx it and it would all fall apart. I hope this doesn’t happen. Maybe I’m a little superstitious? Never mind, we will see. I’m excited for and looking forward to so many things – my future with my current partner, my future with my family, my future with education and work prospects. Everything is just good at the minute. I know it won’t last forever but I hope that when the bad times do come, I have got the strength to deal with it. I just know that I have some amazing people around me to help me through anything I should need them for. 

So. If you spot me posting about something less upbeat in a few days, weeks, months or even years then you will know that the balance of the Universe has been restored and I am having some bad times to put me on an even keel with my current good times. I know bad times are gonna come one day, but thats ok. And that rhymes. Which is a great place to end this post. Nobody deserves to be subjected to my bad poetry. 

Au revoir … 

The Expected Course Of Action

Published August 5, 2012 by goingalongwithit

I took the kids to our local carnival today, neither are really old enough to understand where they are but they enjoyed it. I think. It was a good day, I had fun. I went with my two sisters, one of my sisters’ fiance, my mother and auntie :). The carnival comes around this time every year so although it#s always the same we usually go over to have a look around, and we’ve always had between us, enough kids for an excuse to go over. 

One thing I didn’t like though was bumping into an ex. Not my most recent ex I will add, but one of the more ‘memorable’ ones should I say. I’m not sure how people are supposed to feel when they bump into an ex. Maybe I’m doing it wrong but I couldn’t help but feel a huge pang of jealousy of the girl he was walking with. I love my current partner very, very dearly. But I can’t deny that I was jealous. After the stab of jealousy I got a little sad, and then I forgot about it until I’ve found myself sat alone with nothing else to think about. Is it normal that I’ve had to try my best not to run through the relationship again in my head, to think about what it was that went wrong? I’ve always thought that I don’t really know how best to get over someone. I think maybe I just push the feelings aside rather than address them and eventually get over them. Maybe. But perhaps everyone does that. 

There are certain people with whom I have been ‘involved’ that I will always have a ‘soft spot’ if you can call it that, for. I don’t even know if everyone is the same in that sense too. I am still friends with some people I have had great connections with, but it seems the ones I experienced something more amazing with are the ones that I don’t communicate with, or even acknowledge now. I suppose that’s a shame. I don;t know if ‘shame’ is the best word to use. As you can see, I don’t know much about this subject. I find it hard to understand or even speculate how I’m supposed to approach these kinds of situations. 

I have come to the conclusion that I am in one of those moods (any females out there will definitely understand what I mean by that, perhaps some males too). Bumping into this ex has brought back memories and thoughts from other past relationships. I don’t like that, I believe that some things shouldn’t be dwelled upon, but sometimes you don’t mean to do it, it just creeps up on you. Always when you least expect it. And always when you least want it to happen. Maybe it is just me … I don’t know about that either. I just don’t know. 

Something To Look Forward To

Published July 31, 2012 by goingalongwithit

Hey guys. I’m sorry for being away from my blog for a couple of days, I’ve been pretty busy. I’ve had to go to work a lot this week so that’s the main reason to be honest. So let me fill you in on my weekend. 

This Saturday was the wedding of a friend of mine. It was such a lovely day. As strange as this may sound to some people It’s the first wedding I’ve been to since I was around 8 years old, so I guess you could say it was my first ‘proper’ wedding, or at least the first at which I wouldn’t be playing under tables and getting hyper on fizzy drinks instead of alcohol. The bride (my friend) looked completely stunning – saying that, she is a very good looking woman in general so she looks pretty great all the time if I’m totally honest (bitch … joking) – and her fiance, or husband now also scrubbed up pretty well I must say. There was a church ceremony, which was also lovely. The bridesmaids were dressed in simple pink dresses, not something I would choose, but it wasn’t my day. Everyone had fun, I think. Well I did and I know the bride and groom did which is this most important thing. 

I didn’t expect at all how emotional it would make me feel. I didn’t cry. I don’t often cry at all and the times I do are not in public. But I wanted to. I am however, pretty great at holding that in. It was just so great seeing a couple so happy together, so in sync. They’ve been together since they were 15 years old, and are now both 24, so I guess you could call them childhood sweethearts. I wish  them every happiness in the future, from the bottom of my heart. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen two people that happy. I can’t wait to feel like that. I’ve always, until quite recently, been the kind of girl to say that I would never get married. I didn’t grow up planning my wedding day or imagining what the man waiting for me at the end of the isle would look like. It just wasn’t my thing. But as I’ve gotten a little older I’ve realized that one day I do want to get married. I wouldn’t want anything huge or over the top but I do want it to happen one day.

I don’t need to conjure up an ideal of the man I will marry. Because in all honestly I believe I already know who that person is. Perhaps at some point in the future that will change, I hope not, but I am aware that sometime life gets in the way and things just don’t work out the way we expect or want them to. I can wait for my big day, I’m very much looking forward to it, but I can wait for it. I’m looking forward to relishing the journey to the big day too. I’m just looking forward, in general, to spending the rest of my life with this special person. Like I said though, I am aware that this may not pan out the way I want it to. But I won’t adopt a pessimistic outlook, I’ve always been a strict believer in seeing the glass as half full and not half empty.

This man is my best friend. We have a very special connection, one that neither of us needs to put into words, not that I think I could even if I wanted to. Our future is my ‘something to look forward to’. I’m in a very happy place in my life. A feeling that doesn’t always last, but that should at the same time be cherished. Not everybody has good times, but everyone has bad times, and for my good times such as right now I count myself extremely lucky. I hope other people do too. My motto is that there is ALWAYS someone worse off than me. I don’t mean this in a morbid way, just a reminder to myself not to take simple things, or anything for granted. Not everyone has the luxuries I do, or you do.